...being car-less

How many of you have tried it? Anyone lived without their cars for any period of time? Perhaps a weekend. Maybe three days. A week, perhaps? A month?

Try two months. That's approximately how long I've not been driving for, and it's the longest break I've had without driving since getting my licence in January 2003. You'll be pleased to hear that it's not through any legality technicalities. My licence is still very much with me, and nary a point to it's name. What has happened is that one of the twenty-ish year old components finally gave up the ghost after the particularly harsh Winter we just had, and rather than taking it to a garage to fix I tried a bit of home maintenance.

Long story short, I failed. Not through want of trying, so much as I lost interest in trying to shift bolts that had never left the car and didn't show much sign of wanting to part company.

The end result though is that I've not driven in the last two months and although it's been tough, I think I've been coping pretty well. As a petrolhead, I imagine this is a little like how it must feel to stand up in front of people at an Alchohlics Anonymous meeting and declare that you've not touched a drop in two months. It's okay - you can hold the applause.

I must admit, I suspect it's been easier than it might have been because I live in a city centre. The public transport is unusually excellent and punctual, and it's quite possible to walk across the majority of town in about half an hour, so even then there's not much reliance on powered transport. I also work literally three minutes from my doorstep, so I've not needed a car for commuting either. I live essentially on my own too, so I have enough arms for a weekly shop. It all conspires to make living without a car remarkably easy.

What I miss though is actually driving. The car was always going to be a bit of a plaything for me, and like a child returning from holiday to their own bedroom and toybox full of their favourite toys, I've missed playing with it. I've pined as I've watched videos on Youtube of other people enjoying their cars, and mournfully smiled as others have passed me in the street.

It's getting fixed next Tuesday. Hopefully it'll be sunny. The roof will come down, and I'll finally be able to enjoy driving again. It'll be like an ex-alchoholic being given a bottle of Bollinger.

I've not needed to drive, but I've sure as hell missed it.

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...let it snow, let it snow, let it snow

Happy New Year, everyone! Hopefully 2010 will prove a little more prosperous for all of us than 2009 did, and the snow hasn't made your life too much of a misery so far.

Ah yes, the snow. I was going to write about it a few weeks back but Christmas festivities conspired against me and I never found the time to sit down and have a good old moan at the general public. Season of good will, and all that. But as the snow has continued, I've finally been left with the opportunity, as the whole of the country struggles to cope with a weather condition we've faced as a species throughout our entire existance.

Now obviously, snow isn't the easiest thing to drive in. You might even say it's rather slippery. What baffles me though is the approach many motorists take when attempting to tackle it. Allow me to present you with a metaphor. When you go out for a walk in the snow, do you set off like you're competing against Usain Bolt in a 100m race? Do you stand there on the spot, feet flailing wildly beneath you but not actually providing any forward motion? No? Then why on Earth would you choose to use the same technique when trying to move your car off the line?

A perfect example of this sort of mindless idiocy has rather handily presented itself right outside my window. I live on a very gentle hill and a Ford Focus has just crawled its way up, wheels spinning madly, hazard lights on and going very slowly indeed. An oik in a bright yellow Fiat Punto followed, equally slowly and with even more noise. Behind these two, a chap in a turquoise Micra calmly pulled to a halt, nary a sound coming from the engine. When the oafs had finally cleared the single-lane junction, the Micra pulled away with not a slip from the tyres, and accelerated quietly up the hill. Even more amusingly, the Focus has just returned back down the hill, backwards, being led by a policeman. Apparently it was simply too great a challenge.

Not so long ago, I bought a Mazda MX-5. It has fairly wide, fairly low-profile tyres, and it's rear-wheel drive. If all the advice is to believed, simply getting inside in this sort of weather is akin to signing my own death warrant. This hasn't been the case though. While all manner of more "suitable" cars seem to be struggling, I've found progress relatively easy. Sure, I've not been up any ridiculously steep hills, but then I'd be daft to purposely present myself with unsuitable situations. Remember, rule 1 on the Met Office's list of driving tips is to not go out in the first place...

But normal driving hasn't been a problem, even with no ABS, traction control, stability control, nor anything else to act as an electronic cushion. Nor, like some, have I felt the need to travel at 5mph all the time and everywhere, which I suspect is the main reason the country grinds to a halt each Winter. Hell, I've even been out purposely to have a bit of fun on some empty roads.

And don't get me started on gritters. I hate the things. The briney sludge they leave behind accelerates rust like you wouldn't believe, and ruins your carpets, seats, shoes, and anywhere else you're unlucky enough to get it. In addition, people seem to use their absence, when such an event occurs, as an excuse for why they've stuffed their car through their next-door neigbour's shed, when the reality is more likely to be an absence of brains rather than grit. It's really rather simple - main roads take priority, your driveway does not. If you're struggling to get beyond your street then I'd hazard that the big wide World will probably prove a little too much for your driving skills.

"If in doubt, don't go out". Or perhaps more suitable, "stay away, and get out of my way"...

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...supermarket drivers

The first clue, I think, comes from the trips to the supermarket you used to go on with your parents.

Long before you could drive and were aware of the concept of driving standards, there would still be a part of you irritated in some way by the way people got in your way with their trolleys, leaving them strewn across the aisles, bumping them into stacks of produce, going too slowly or not looking before charging out into the central aisle. It even has a name: Trolley Rage.


Then you get your driving licence, and realise that all of that is a metaphor for the supermarket car park, too. The people who take whole minutes choosing a space when there are five empty ones right in front of them. People pulling straight out into the middle without looking. Not stopping for pedestrian crossings. Not looking before they reverse out of a space. Reversing into a space and then scratching your car because they then have to squeeze the trolley to the narrow space they've left at the back.

Perhaps the human race goes into a semi-conscious trance as they enter the area around a supermarket and basic motor skills (in both senses of the word) desert them. It would explain a lot.

The solution, of course, is a simple one: Before a driver is let anywhere near a car, they must first be taken to a supermarket and demonstrate they can be careful and considerate with a trolley. Getting in the way? One minor. Not giving way to people on the main aisle? Another minor. Knocking over a jar of jam or not checking behind you before you swing your trolley around and hit me in the shin? Instant fail, I'm afraid. And an instant fail means you won't be getting in that car just yet.

By the time people have gone through my Trolley Test you can guarantee they'll be better drivers. You certainly wouldn't want to take more supermarket lessons than you have to. Incidentally, the same test would work for flustered, stuck-up mothers with push-chairs. It would serve them well for the eventual school-run in a Range Rover.

Anyway, just in case your own supermarket etiquette is lacking a little, I found the perfect tool with which to hone your skills...

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