...let it snow, let it snow, let it snow

Happy New Year, everyone! Hopefully 2010 will prove a little more prosperous for all of us than 2009 did, and the snow hasn't made your life too much of a misery so far.

Ah yes, the snow. I was going to write about it a few weeks back but Christmas festivities conspired against me and I never found the time to sit down and have a good old moan at the general public. Season of good will, and all that. But as the snow has continued, I've finally been left with the opportunity, as the whole of the country struggles to cope with a weather condition we've faced as a species throughout our entire existance.

Now obviously, snow isn't the easiest thing to drive in. You might even say it's rather slippery. What baffles me though is the approach many motorists take when attempting to tackle it. Allow me to present you with a metaphor. When you go out for a walk in the snow, do you set off like you're competing against Usain Bolt in a 100m race? Do you stand there on the spot, feet flailing wildly beneath you but not actually providing any forward motion? No? Then why on Earth would you choose to use the same technique when trying to move your car off the line?

A perfect example of this sort of mindless idiocy has rather handily presented itself right outside my window. I live on a very gentle hill and a Ford Focus has just crawled its way up, wheels spinning madly, hazard lights on and going very slowly indeed. An oik in a bright yellow Fiat Punto followed, equally slowly and with even more noise. Behind these two, a chap in a turquoise Micra calmly pulled to a halt, nary a sound coming from the engine. When the oafs had finally cleared the single-lane junction, the Micra pulled away with not a slip from the tyres, and accelerated quietly up the hill. Even more amusingly, the Focus has just returned back down the hill, backwards, being led by a policeman. Apparently it was simply too great a challenge.

Not so long ago, I bought a Mazda MX-5. It has fairly wide, fairly low-profile tyres, and it's rear-wheel drive. If all the advice is to believed, simply getting inside in this sort of weather is akin to signing my own death warrant. This hasn't been the case though. While all manner of more "suitable" cars seem to be struggling, I've found progress relatively easy. Sure, I've not been up any ridiculously steep hills, but then I'd be daft to purposely present myself with unsuitable situations. Remember, rule 1 on the Met Office's list of driving tips is to not go out in the first place...

But normal driving hasn't been a problem, even with no ABS, traction control, stability control, nor anything else to act as an electronic cushion. Nor, like some, have I felt the need to travel at 5mph all the time and everywhere, which I suspect is the main reason the country grinds to a halt each Winter. Hell, I've even been out purposely to have a bit of fun on some empty roads.

And don't get me started on gritters. I hate the things. The briney sludge they leave behind accelerates rust like you wouldn't believe, and ruins your carpets, seats, shoes, and anywhere else you're unlucky enough to get it. In addition, people seem to use their absence, when such an event occurs, as an excuse for why they've stuffed their car through their next-door neigbour's shed, when the reality is more likely to be an absence of brains rather than grit. It's really rather simple - main roads take priority, your driveway does not. If you're struggling to get beyond your street then I'd hazard that the big wide World will probably prove a little too much for your driving skills.

"If in doubt, don't go out". Or perhaps more suitable, "stay away, and get out of my way"...

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...car maintenance

You'll see I've done away with "Thinking about..." at the start of every post. It's naff. I've come to that conclusion myself. I'll change all the others in due course...

So, car maintenance. It's something that, as a petrolhead, I feel obliged to tackle myself. Both my current car and my previous one are of a vintage that still welcomes home maintenance and tuning and doesn't require vast swathes of plastic to be lifted out of the engine bay just to top up the oil, nor half the front end removed in order to replace a blown bulb. As such, basic maintenance feels like one of those responsibilities I should be tackling myself and doing so for a handful of change, rather than leaving my keys and my wallet at the mercy of a garage.

Half a year or so ago I bought some access ramps that would allow me to inspect and fix my car should the need arise. At the time, the car had a rusty sump and I had designs on ordering in all the bits and doing the whole thing myself. I would go down to the pub with some mates afterwards and they'd bow before my mechanical prowess, and my girlfriend would swoon at my ability to handle massive tools.

Unfortunately, the reality was rather different. I precariously edged the car up onto the ramps, meekly slid underneath, and made a few "hmm... yeah... that is a bit rusty" noises before crawling back out again and driving the car back off the ramps. I took the car to a garage, paid through the nose for it, and the ramps have since remained unused. No worshipping ensued, and the better half was less than impressed that she'd seen the back of a couple of hundred quid that could have gone towards her instead.

I've noticed that I shy away from these more hands-on, mechanical sort of tasks. I partly blame it on lack of correct tools for the job, but that's too easy and doesn't get to the root of the problem. It could also be blamed on the fact that I'm a horrific procrastinator, but then I still manage to meet deadlines which implies a tendency to actually get things done eventually. No, the real problem is my fear of somehow massively cocking up and rendering my pride and joy completely and expensively immobile.

I'm aware that this is unlikely with, say for example, an oil change. In fact, it's unlikely with any number of basic tasks. But the little nagging doubt remains, telling me that really I should be getting someone who knows what they're doing by trade, rather than reading the procedure from a grubby owners manual like some kind of ancient recipe book with ingredients and measures that no longer exist.

I'm entirely confident I could disassemble the entire car and even put it all back together again given enough time and the right tools, but I could also guarantee there would be three parts left on the ground at the end. One would be an engine mount, the second would be the brake pedal, and the final would be the windscreen. The engine would fall out, I'd be unable to brake to avoid a brick wall, and after travelling through the gap where the screen should have gone I would also quickly be reduced to my component parts.

I'm fitting a new brake-light bulb tomorrow. Wish me luck.

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