MY LIFE IN FROSTING

My mom has always been extremely talented when it comes to baking and decorating cakes. She didn't do it full time, but she was hired regularly to create cakes for occasions ranging from local club meetings to some of the swankiest shindigs in the four-state area. This also meant that I had some of the best birthday cakes a kid could ever wish for. And so, I present you with photos of my first fourteen January 20ths.

Age 1- Panda Bear

My wife used this same design for our son's first cake...

Age 2- Tiger

This one was made from an ordinary heart shaped pan.

Age 3- Mickey Mouse (in Bandleader hat)

Ah, my first licensed character.

Age 4- Teepee

It's OK.. I can use the term 'paleface' because I'm white.

Age 5- Batman

From this point on I had gained control of my party themes. My mom picked up cake decorating magazines year round so I had lots of time to deliberate. Batman was an easy choice, and my dad ran with the theme by surprising me with a huge poster of the dynamic duo crashing through the wall. (Robin's toes are barely visible in the upper right of the photo.) Man, I wish I still had that poster. This ingenious cake pan could be decorated as Batman or Superman depending on which head and chest plate was used. A tough decision indeed. The way I saw it, there was only one real solution...

Age 6- Superman

Incidentally, this was probably the peak of cuteness for my sister and me. We just got uglier from that point on.

Age 7- Pirates

I was pirates when pirates wasn't cool. (The sand on the beach was made of brown sugar.)

Age 8- Darth Vader

I know, I know.. how very predictable.

Age 9- Asteroids

My mom informed me that she didn't have time to whip up an elaborate cake that year. But who needed complexity when vector graphics were the state of the art? I ran back to my desk, pulled out some paper and drew the Asteroids playing field by memory. Mom traced the drawing onto cellophane, laid it on top of the cake and etched in the design with a tooth pic. Fifteen minutes later I beheld a masterpiece.

Age 10- E.T.

This party couldn't have had more of a 1980s imprint on it. The theme was E.T. and it was held at the local roller skating rink which was home to walls of arcade games including my favorite of the moment.. Zaxxon. The evening was quite eventful. During the freestyle skating contest my guests and I purposefully skewed the results of the applause-o-meter, causing the worst participant to win. Later I accidentally locked skates with a junior high girl and set in motion a massive skater pile-up. I emerged unharmed but she was carried out of the building. A few days later she accosted me, showed me the largest bruise I had ever seen, and vengefully shoved me to the ground.

Age 11- Plain Chocolate Frosting

This was the year that I forfeited a fancy cake in favor of a more extensive bash. The handful of rascals behind me were but five of nearly fifteen prepubescent ruffians who stayed over that night. We rented a Video Disc Player and dined on homemade pizza as we watched Cloak and Dagger and Twilight Zone: The Movie. At midnight my dad took the entire gang on a surprise hike to the nearby graveyard. Gleeful chaos ensued. The police showed up and everyone scattered, but nobody got nabbed and we all made it home feeling like ninjas. The party became legendary, and it was discussed well into high school.

Age 12- Ghostbusters

I think this is my favorite of the bunch. The slime was made from an edible gel and it really takes the cake to another level.

Age 13- Generic Comic Book

This was the year that I "got serious" about my comic book collecting. Gone were the days of buying off the rack at the neighborhood gas station. I had entered a world where terms like "polybag" " back issue" and "near mint" were spoken freely.
(Comics in photo from left to right: Black Panther, Ambush Bug, Wolverine, Nightcrawler, and Marvel Saga.. all first issues. If I sold them now I could probably make enough cash to buy a comic book. Figures: Darkseid and Martian Manhunter from the Super Powers collection and Spider-Man from Secret Wars. The Thing and Mr. Fantastic ICEE cups sold separately.)

Age 14- South Korean Flag

Neither my friends nor I held any ill will towards the country of South Korea. The choice to put their flag on my birthday cake was made out of pure gratitude for the fact that they had invented tae kwon do (my pastime of choice during that era). The decision to hold it at gunpoint was inspired by Chuck Norris films such as Delta Force and Invasion USA. No need to fret.. the pistol, the sawed-off shotgun, and even the Uzis all came from the local Wal-Mart toy department; and you can bet they weren't subject to those annoying, orange barrel plugs.
(I'm the one with the pained expression and the Joe Cool dressed as Sonny Crockett t-shirt.)

Bonus Cake- Age 22- Ookla the Mok

I had to include this favorite from my college years. Following the long tradition of wonderful birthday cakes my then girlfriend/now wife took the torch and created this excellent design based on an old drawing I had done of Thundarr the Barbarian's sidekick.


Thanks mom for a lifetime of delicious and eye-popping birthdays.