Nighttime Humility

I spent the early part of this week celebrating my little one's first birthday. I love him to pieces, but this year has been very difficult. It is easy for me to point everything that has gone "wrong" to one problem: my son's inability to sleep.

Before I became a parent, I was fully prepared to trade sleeping in for 6AM Saturday morning cartoons. I knew that my newborn would wake up at night to feed. I understood that there would be teething bouts all the way through toddlerhood, where my husband and I would have to console our aching baby for a few nights in a row. What I did not expect was that one year later, I would still be awoken every hour. I did not expect that I would spend half of my day trying to sooth my baby to sleep for naps and throughout the night.

It is a good thing that I did not know, because sometimes I wonder if I would have had the courage to get on board. I have spent many hours complaining, crying and praying, "Dear Lord, why won't my baby sleep?" There have been many days when I even felt that this situation was bringing me to the point of depression. How could I possibly go on physically, mentally, spiritually with this never ending fast from sleep?

Well, it is a year later and I am still here. No, he is not sleeping much better yet, but I've accepted this fact (on most days). More importantly, I have learned that my son's sleeplessness and my body's sleep deprivation are not the problem. The problem all along has been my lack of humility.

Humility in its truest sense, is the recognition of our relationship to God. To be humble we must always remember who He is, and who we are. God made us to love, worship and serve Him. We do not become saints by doing what we want, or what we think God's will should be, but by doing His will for us in the everyday circumstances He sends us. Every minute of our day is from God, and it is up to us to offer it back to him prayerfully and dutifully. In my case, staying joyful despite getting fewer zzz's is a pleasing act of humility to God.

When we lack humility, we often feel resentful, depressed, frustrated and angry with situations. Our responsibilities become burdensome and our daily crosses become very heavy. Sacrifice seems meaningless, and love lacks in our lives. If we remember however, who God is to us and that each moment IS His will for us, we feel that we can find joy and meaning in our suffering. Even if for the rest of my life I never sleep longer than an hour, I will be at peace because I will be surrendering to God's will.

Another beautiful thing I've noticed specifically about sleep is that it is one of our basic needs. God created our bodies to NEED rest. Similarly to discomfort felt from fasting, my exhaustion can serve as a humbling reminder in itself for me of how much I depend on God, because He made me this way. By "fasting" from sleep, I take attention away from myself and draw my rest and replenishment from a different source: God.

Humility reminds us that God is in charge. We might not understand His will, but it is by following Christ's example and surrendering everything to the Father that will lead us to heaven. Now, please remind me to reread this post daily-- because forgetfulness is a side effect of sleep deprivation and of humanity.