C is for Courtship

I have in the past written a few blogs about courtship. I feel compelled to write about it once again as another season of The Bachelor/Bachelorette series comes to an end. It amazes me that we have gotten so far from healthy dating that we are being sucked in my the millions to a show that is the polar opposite of healthy dating. I will never understand why people are shocked when relationships made on that show fail. I could go on forever about the problems with that show but instead of cursing the darkness I thought I would focus on the light and on what healthy courtship should look like.

The purpose of dating is marriage, plain and simple. Any other motivation is likely to end with one or both people hurt in the end. We are created by and made for a love that has no end because all love comes from and leads us to the infinite God. Because dating is pointed toward marriage it is important to date right and have a proper discernment.

Below are a few aspects that I think are extremely important in healthy and holy Christian dating.

1. Both people must be at a place in their life where they are ready to get married. This means they are both spiritually and emotionally ready to enter into a covenant. Both are ready to lovingly accept children since that is one of the purposes of marriage. The man is financially ready to provide for his family. This doesn't mean you have to be rich. Living simply and coupon clipping isn't a bad thing.

2. Physical contact should be limited and at most a simple kiss can be shared. Anything more is inappropriate before marriage. I believe it is even important to keep snuggling and back rubs to a minimum because women are physical and that type of contact might draw us into a deeper emotional connection than the relationship is ready for. Limiting physical contact will also greatly help guard purity.

3. The couple should spend the majority of their time in a group as opposed to alone. There are several reasons for this. First, we often get the best look at who a person is when we see them in their comfortable social circle. Spending time in groups will allow the two people to better figure out who the other person is. Second, it helps keep the emotional intimacy under control. Becoming too emotionally connected to someone without the commitment of engagement makes one vulnerable to heartbreak if that relationship ends. Kimberly Hahn even recommends that the couple not pray too much together because it makes the two spiritually vulnerable to each other. She says she has seem many couples fall into sins of impurity because they allowed themselves to become too vulnerable spiritually to the other person. Of course you should be praying but until engagement that prayer might be best done alone.

4. Make sure that the amount of time you spend together reflects the commitment that exists. Before engagement your family should be a high priority and where the largest amount of your time is spend. Other friendships are as important as the person you are dating so make sure you are not spending more time with that significant other than with your other friends. Following tip number three will help ensure this happens. Make sure also that you spend time with both of your groups of friends.

5. Listen to the opinions of your trusted family and friends. They often times might see something that you don't because they have an outside perspective. It is easy to be caught up in the excitement of dating and miss important aspects of discernment.

6. Lastly, remember that real commitments must be public. Until a man proposes to you and publicly tells the world of his commitment be careful how much of your heart you give to him. It is important to allow men to lead so until they ask for a woman's heart it should in no way be offered. A lady protects and guards her heart until a man invites it to be given.

I know that some of these sound crazy and they are really contradictory to what our current culture tells us about dating. But I also know first hand the effects of not following this advice. I dated a man for a year and was pretty certain I would marry him. He was a nice guy who could potentially make a good spouse but it was not God's will for us to be married and I ended up with a broken heart because I did not follow the advice given above. Because of that experience I am much wiser now in matters of the heart and know that my future marriage (God willing) will benefit. Women are made with very delicate hearts and so we need to protect them and keep them safe because ultimately they belong our all loving God.

DISCLAIMER: This does not mean that relationships that do not follow this advice are doomed to fail. I am simply offering you a way of dating that has proven to be very fruitful for many centuries and that I personally find protects me as a daughter of the king of heaven.