D is for Depression

After my first daughter was born I struggled with postpartum depression for a full year. It started when my husband went back to work after 3 weeks. Every time I thought I felt something a little off in my body it would lead to a full blown anxiety attack and heart palpitations which just made the anxiety worse. At 6 weeks postpartum we ended up in the emergency room because the attack was so bad and they prescribed me antidepressants which I refused to take because I denied having any kind of problem.

Being isolated from family and friends was making the problem worse. I barely knew anyone in our area, and we didn't really get visitors. My parents also moved halfway across the country when I first got pregnant and I felt abandoned, too. So I started feeling like no one on earth except hubby and the baby cared whether I lived or died. Really. Then I started feeling angry and despairing.

I finally decided to get help when Ella was 8 months old. We called up the only Catholic psychologist in San Diego and every week for 4 months I made the 30 minute drive to see her. Just talking openly with her really helped qualm my fears that anything was wrong with me. I had developed a nervous habit of checking my pulse when it started palpating and she helped me see that it wasn't doing me any good...if I could check my pulse that meant I was still alive so why worry?!

During this time we used NFP for the first time in our marriage. I was having a hard time taking care of Ella as it was and I was just lost even though I prayed and things were just off between Matt and I. After 6 months of using NFP we felt like we were supposed to just be open to life and Gigi was conceived almost immediately. Strangely enough, my depression really started melting away during those first few weeks of pregnancy and I think it may have been all the new hormones. Whatever it was, last summer I really felt like I came out of a dark cloud. I felt like I had missed out on most of Ella's first year and was really out of touch with friends so I made an effort to reach out to people and to join a playgroup and visit my neighbors more often.

Postpartum depression is REAL. Don't let people tell you it's just the baby blues. If after 2 weeks postpartum you are still feeling down, like you're losing hope, or if you feel like harming yourself or your baby please talk to your doctor! And don't give up on praying. It may feel like God isn't there but he will really never give up on you.